On March, 21st it’ll be one year since my Grandma Cooper’s death. I think about all the changes that I’ve gone through this year, in some ways it seems like the year has flown by & in other ways it seems oh’ so long.
I’ve thought about her a lot the last few days, one of her lifelong friends passed away this week & it brought back a floodgate of emotions. I’d love to say that the pain of her passing has lessened as the year went on…it hasn’t…it’s just been replaced by…well….life. Life does go on. And it has for me. I’ve had a good year, a lot of changes have taken place for me this year, good changes…but this has also been one of my hardest years.
In the weeks leading up to my Grandma’s death, I spent a lot of time with her, just talking. We talked about everything; her youth, her dreams & goals, her faith, even her death. One thing on my “list” of things to ask her was what her favorite Bible verse was, sadly I never got the chance to ask that. At some point during this year I was visiting my Papa & looking through the peg-board of business cards, doctor appointment cards & memento’s that still contain cancer appointments he took my Grandma to. Buried underneath it was a church program she had hung up from the early 2000’s, with the Bible verse from Jeremiah 29:11 in bold writing across the front.
She had this hanging on the peg-board that was full of her cancer doctor appointments…think about that. I can’t wrap my mind around her level of faith, it blows me away. For the rest of my life, I will remember that moment. That inconsequential little moment of reading through doctor appointment cards, months after her death & finding this bible verse hanging up. In the middle of her cancer struggle, she still had faith in God’s plan for her future.
I never got the opportunity to ask her her favorite Bible Verse, but I’ve adapted this verse as hers.
I wish I had her level of faith, I’m just not there yet. I question God all the time, I fight God all the time, I fail daily at trusting Him & His promises. It’s so difficult to pray for something & not see that prayer come to pass (yet). I’m struggling with faith…
It’s in those moments that this verse comes to mind…that my Grandma comes to mind, that her words;”The greatest decision you’ll ever make is to follow the Lord” comes to mind, when I told her weeks before her passing that I had decided to get baptized.
It’s hard to see God’s goodness at times. It’s hard to see his hand at work when you’re struggling. I think that’s when you need faith the most. When you don’t’ understand; that’s when you’re closest to God, when you’re barely hanging on.
I miss my Grandma. I miss her very much. My dad is right now going through his own battle with cancer & I don’t know how many times I’ve thought,”I wish I could pray about this with my Grandma” because I just don’t understand “why” she’s not here.
I don’t always think God is fair, but I do think he’s always right & I do think he always has my best interest (and yours) as his #1 priority. It’s hard for us to see his plan through our own eyes, it’s hard for us to trust his plans when we can’t possibly see how a certain situation will heal or how a specific opportunity will happen. That’s where faith comes in, that’s where my Grandma never faltered & that’s what I find myself struggling with these days.
My Grandma’s favorite saying was, “Every cloud has a silver lining…”. Tough as it is right now, I’m believing in those words & I’m believing in a God that never does anything without a reason, even when I can’t see it.