“Lord, let me be okay…”
This is my 5 word prayer as I lay in bed tonight.
We buried my dad today. He passed away from a cancer battle 7 months ago; the headstone was completed & placed earlier this week and this afternoon a small group of close family & friends buried the ashes of my father.
And that makes me weep at midnight.
I have been drowning in bitterness & anger for so long. It’s not always present, but it is always underlying. If situations are too “happy” I’ve avoided them. I know that I’ve disconnected myself from much & connected myself to too much; not enough outdoors time-too much drinking, not enough eating healthy-too much gorging…not enough caring-too much not giving a shit. I can look back on several months & see situations that could’ve been avoided so easily. Telling myself,”I’m grieving” doesn’t give me an excuse for behavior that God doesn’t intend for me.
I’m tired. I’m tired of not having my joy. I’m scared. I’m scared of being stuck in bitterness & anger.
I haven’t cracked open a Bible in months. I haven’t prayed…a deep painful, soul-needing prayer, in months. Both happened tonight…and all I could offer up was,”Lord, let me be okay”
–let me be okay with only old memories of my dad.
–let me be okay if I never settle down with my own family
–let me be okay if I have to work a hundred jobs to make ends meet
–let me be okay that I can’t change past decisions
–let me be okay that my weight is a constant battle
–let me be okay that I’ve walked away from YOU out of anger
As a daughter, a girl always wants her dad to tell her,”it’ll be okay” when she’s hurting. That treasure may not always be there to physically hear. I’m trusting that I’ll still hear those words in my mind.
Sometimes being okay is the start of being totally & completely bombdiggity.
How fitting that this was my Bible verse tonight…