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Grief: A daughter’s perspective, a mowed yard & her hero Dad

  
It’s Monday, May 2nd at 1am & I’m wide awake in bed, listening to the thunderstorm outside my window, tears streaming down my cheeks thinking about memories of my dad.  

Tomorrow, May 3rd, marks the 1-month anniversary of my Dad’s death. After a 3yr. battle with cancer that exhausted his body. A lot of people told me what a fickle bitch grief is. How you can go for weeks, months & think you’re doing just fine…but then *poof* a song comes on the radio, a memory creeps in & your heart is hurting all over again. It seems unfair that the world doesn’t stop for your tears. 

What people don’t tell you is that grief is something you go through alone. 

People can relate, I know I’m not the first person to lose a father. But nobody has the same memories as I do with my Dad. Just like I don’t have the same memories that my brother’s have with our Dad. We each are grieving for different thing’s lost. And that’s what makes grief so tough…you go through it alone.

It changes your perspective. 

I now live in a world that my hero is no longer a part of. I now have to make decisions without my Dad’s advice. A large chapter of my life is finished & new chapters will be written without him…and that sucks. Your safe place feels shattered. I feel angrier at God than I’ve ever been & more lost than I’ve ever felt. I don’t remember the final words my Dad ever said to me & have been praying for that memory to be restored…it hasn’t come & that slices through me. 

I know, in time, grief will be replaced by laughter. And I know it won’t happen after a month. I’m grateful for the distractions that have kept me busy; new job, warmer weather to be outdoors, new friendships, travel opportunities & a dog that keeps me going forward. And I’m so grateful for my family. This experience has brought us closer together & I know my Dad is proud. 

I had a dream the other night about my dad & it brought me a lot of comfort. He was mowing the yard for an elderly man who was unable to do it himself. In my dream I knew that my dad had passed, but I watched him mow this man’s lawn without interrupting. I’ve been thinking a lot about this dream & trying to analyze it. And the conclusion I’ve come too…is that it was just a dream. And that’s okay. It was a simple reminder from a Dad to his daughter that even heaven needs people to cut grass. 

In the middle of my grief, my Dad is still my hero. And he was a hero to that elderly man who needed someone to mow his lawn. 
  

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“Lord, I don’t trust you…”; retirements, cancer & Psalm 27:14

Last weekend our family celebrated my Dad’s work retirement. zippo Words cannot explain how prideful I felt celebrating that accomplishment with people that came out to honor my dad’s years of hard work. He has always been a great example of many things to us kids, but to show us first-hand what it means to work hard & provide for others is a lesson that I’ve only grown to appreciate as I’ve got older.

I’ve touched briefly on my dad’s cancer in previous blogs. Close friends & family know of his progress & I’m blessed to have so many that pray for us & keep positive vibes afloat as we journey through this tough stage as a family. That made the retirement party even more special as none of us know what the future holds for him, or for that matter, any of us.

Several months ago I decided to do an in-depth self-study on the book of Psalm; containing 150 chapters & (around) 2500 verses, I knew this was going to be quite the undertaking. I gave myself through the summer to complete, but that has now been extended through the winter since the supplemental reading & note-taking is just as time consuming. Not that I’m complaining, mind you, because I secretly am a know-it-all (okay, maybe not so secretly) & “learning” means a new batch of knowledge wrinkles in my brain.

While I pretty much picked Psalms because so many verses contained are dear to my heart, what I’m finding to be the overlaying theme is “trust”….trust.

Trust…

Wow! If ever a time in my life I needed to lean on trust it’s now.

There are moments when I think I’m doing okay about my Dad’s diagnosis & then there are moments when I’m out on a hiking trail & I’m so overcome with emotion thinking about it that I literally sit down in the middle of the woods & bawl my eyes out. It’s in those moments that my faith is the weakest & most tested. Gratitude for a God who has sent me a one-eyed dog that understands my breakdown & will sit down next to me with his head on my lap until the tears start to dry up.

Twice within the last several weeks I’ve had two different people, on two different occasions mention the word “dying” when asking about my dad. Needless to say my response wasn’t the classiest (“He’s fine. And mind your own *blankety-blank-blank -business*”…okay, maybe my response wasn’t that bad, but that’s what I was saying in my head). “Dying”, what a harsh ugly word. And not a word I want spoken in the same sentence as my Dad’s name. But as he just finished yet another several months round of chemo treatments & has begun the next series of testing to see if the cancer has spread or tumors enlarged, these “dying” comments keep popping back into my head & the possible reality hits me full on.

Trust…

Before I begin my nightly (okay…”nightly” is a stretch) Bible-Study I do prayer devotionals, my hope is that I will find answers to whatever is on my mind at that moment. Sometimes it works out that way…sometimes it doesn’t. On this particular night, it was answered. With my dad’s bible versehealth on my mind I opened up my section of Psalms to read & was surprised to find, not only this verse, but also to discover that 3yrs. ago on that exact date, I had also been led to that same verse. During that time our family was grieving over the unexpected loss of a beloved uncle only a few short weeks prior & in the midst of making serious decisions over my Grandma’s own struggle with cancer.

“Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!”-Psalm 27:14-

Both of those situations ended painfully & the loss of hope I felt deflated me like a balloon.

When you feel you’re at the end of your rope, sometimes all you can do is hold on. The theme of Psalms kept repeating in my head,”trust…trust…trust”. For the first time in my life, I actually admitted out loud to God that I didn’t trust him.

“Lord, I don’t trust you. Help me believe that your ways are best.”

When you’re in a strong “relationship” with someone you can freely admit, with raw honesty, that you’re confused, hurt, angered…distrustful. And you know in your heart that it doesn’t change the dynamic of the relationship, you’re still loved & not abandoned. That was what I felt by the admission & a flood of relief overcame me.

I’m reminded of the unbelieving father in the book of Mark. He had watched his son struggle with inner-demons his whole life & the reality looked grim. As a final resort, he brought him before Jesus to be healed.

“If you can?” said Jesus. ”Everything is possible for one who believes.” The child’s father cried out at once,” I believe! Help my lack of faith”

– Mark 9:23-24-

It’s okay to have unbelief. It’s okay to be distrustful. You can be a follower of Christ & still be uncertain that your prayers will come true, but in those moments it’s important to pray that your unbelief be healed. Just be honest, He already knows what you’re feeling anyways, why not just admit it??? Allow God to open the door of unbelief so that what’s behind it can be reached.

“Sometimes you just have to smile in faith…”-Joel Osteen-

smile

 

 

 

 

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I want feet like a deer, reflections from Pslam 18:33

If you read my blog from a couple weeks ago (and I KNOW all you fine readers have, right? but in case you missed it: Ready for a slow down, reflections from Psalm 90) then you’re already aware that I’ve been doing a self-study in the book of Psalm. A book that I’m falling in love with because it’s so musically written & “flowy” (is “flowy” a word??? Who knows? but I dig it!). While studying chapter 18 this scripture leapt out at me…

“He makes my feet like the feet of deer, and sets me on my high places”

-Psalm 18:33-(NKJV)

**By the way** Don’t cha’ totally love my word play??? leapt/deer…get it??? Smooth!

Anyways, (refocus) If I have read this scripture before, I’ve never noticed it. It’s pretty unassuming, but to an animal-studied-nerd, like myself, wow…this is a good one!

Deer feet. No doubt you don’t have to be in student loan debt to realize that, yeah, deer feet are important to deer. But do you know that, hands down, hooves are the MOST IMPORTANT part of deer anatomy??? untitled

Deer are flight animals, meaning they run from perceived danger, they’re lovers not fighters. Those skinny little toothpick legs carry a few hundred pounds gracefully at 40mph; they can leap about 8 feet high & the hooves are designed in such a way that they take the brunt of all that force. Pretty impressive, huh??

Without getting too technical & for the sake of this blog illustration, let’s break the hoof down into two simple parts; we’ll call it the “outer” & the “bottom” (creative, thank you very much). Most people know that deer are cloven hooved animals, meaning they have two toes, not one single toe-like a horse. God in his infinite wisdom designed them that way knowing the wide variety of terrain they’d be covering. That design allows them to cover everything from swimming in deep water, to scaling a mountain. The hard outer wall of the hoof is made of keratin (the same stuff as your fingernails) this helps them claw, paw, dig & fight; bottom part is a soft, spongy material that helps them grip slippery surfaces. Pretty cool that when you see a herd of deer running & leaping, they really don’t know what’s on the other side of those leaps, but rarely do they slip & fall. Flight animals cannot survive without their legs, the hoof is the first line of defense to protecting the legs & in turn, the entire being.

I’m in awe of the responsibility that hooves have.

“He makes my feet like the feet of deer, and sets me on my high places” -Psalm 18:33-

This chapter in Psalm was written by David wrote after the Lord delivered him from his enemies & Saul (who was out for blood!). David was in a tough spot, he had no idea how he was going to get out of the mess he found himself in. He prayed with a ferocity & the Lord saved him, not in a way he was expecting, for the Lord didn’t rescue him from the mess but equipped him with strength & abilities David didn’t know he had…and he conquered & gave the glory back to God. The NET version goes,”He gives me the agility of a deer; he enables me to negotiate the rugged terrain”. You may not think you’re equipped to negotiate the rugged terrain in your life & it may look impossible, but the Lord has equipped you to be a conqueror.

So next time you feel overwhelmed, look at your feet & see yourself has having the feet of deer!

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Ready for a slow down…reflections from Psalm 90.

I’m learning to thin my plate. Trust me, this irony is not lost on me as I’ve been changing to a healthier eating lifestyle over the last 2yrs., but in eating & in my personal life…my plate is getting thinner.

I’ve always said that when I have too much time on my hands I tend to make foolish, destructive decisions. That fear has caused me to go 900miles a minute and since I’ve never been really good at relaxing I have a bad habit of taking on too much. A habit I’m trying to break.

During this past summer I could feel myself getting burned out. Between working 3 jobs (sometimes 4), worrying about family health problems, staying active in my church & community, plus the pressure (self-inflicted) that I put on myself to spend so many hours reading, working in the garden & house, writing, hiking, blah blah; my candle was burning up quickly & activities that used to bring me joy began to feel more like a chore. I started to have horrible stomach pains & my suspicions were proven true when, for the second time in less than 10yrs., I was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer. The threat of a possible surgery caused me to examine my lifestyle & how I can de-compress, de-stress, & handle my behavior in a less-destructive way.


I took a 30-day hiatus from all social media, quit one of my jobs, cut back on a busy social calendar, took a vacation (days of drinking, nature & laughs) and got back into reading the Bible regularly. At moments I’ve loved having a thinner plate; I’m reading & writing more, I’ve finished “one day” projects around the house, & I’ve met up with friends for lunch instead of saying, “we should totally get together” via text. At other moments I’ve hated it; extra time = my mind over-thinking & worrying about things that don’t matter, having to re-budget after a loss of income, & guilt over sitting down to watch a movie (I know some of ya’ll can relate). It’s been a roller-coaster of highs & lows.


I’m studying the book of Psalms this year. Even though I’ve read countless verses here & there, I’ve never studied it as a whole. Very fitting that Psalm 90 happens to be the chapter I’ve been studying during this season of my life (isn’t it amazing how God does that?). Psalm 90 is written by Moses; a man chosen by God to lead His people out of slavery & the wilderness to the promised land of milk & honey. After freedom from Egyptian slavery, the Israelites spent the next 40yrs. wandering the desert wondering when the promise of their “promised land” was to happen. Boy, can I relate to that! Psalm 90 is Moses’ prayer for strength, that the anxiety he feels during the “waiting” will be a character builder. That the Lord will teach him to “slow down” & value his days, trusting that the Lord keeps His promises & is re-focusing him to be better equipped for the day that promise comes to pass.

Something that I struggle with, and I have throughout my whole walk with Christ, is I don’t feel like I “hear” from God. Like my prayers fall on deaf ears. I’ve got many journal entries asking God why He’s ignoring me, however, many scriptures throughout the Bible refer to God speaking in a “still small voice”. If you know me personally, then you know that the concept of a “still small voice” is foreign considering I’ve never been quiet about anything! In the past, when God has needed to get my attention, he does it brick-wall style, by something so dramatic that I have no choice but to pay attention. I feel this slow-down phase He’s bringing into my life is so I can become better attuned to his direction & voice (and I just now realized that this very moment while typing out this paragraph).

At some point maybe I will learn that I can cause myself so much less-stress if I just trust in the Lord in the first place.

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❤️ Top 10 “Rom Com” Picks❤️

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Yes, I know “Rom Com” sounds like a nickname for a superhero at a Comic-Con convention, but it’s actually a much cooler nickname for those “Chick Flicks” that girls geek over & guys pretend to hate (despite what they say the male species loves “How to Lose a Guy in 10 days” just as much as we do, ladies).

Since spring has sprung in NE Ohio (fingers crossed) all members of the animal kingdom are being led by their carnal desire to procreate. For the most part, it would be unacceptable for humans to start sniffing each other’s behinds & making loud squawking noises to woo over a potential mate, we might be left with a bottle of wine & an opportunity to throw out some favorite pick-up lines (“I think you dropped your name tag”…*hands girl a sugar packet*). Since I adore making “lists” & love is in the air, I’ve compiled a list of my favorite go-to-girlie-chick-flicks.

While I only did my Top 10, this was narrowed down from a few dozen (yes, this is what I was thinking about when my mind should’ve been on work). Criteria is based on:

1.) Cute Factor; cute storyline. Are the actors uber-adorable together?
2.) Hilarity; did I actually Laugh Out Loud….#lololololololololo
3.) Awwwwwww Factor; when movie is over am I left with a retarded smile on my face from all the uber-smushy-wushy-ness.

While others made the list: The Proposal, Serendipity, Never Been Kissed; sadly, they were cut from the team to make room for these gooey goodies.

10.)The Prince & Me Yes, I know this is the stereotypical, quintessential “chick flick” but it’s about a girl who dates a PRINCE! And he’s hot! Hello!

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9.)Runaway Bride While I’m not a big Pretty Woman fan (blasphemous, I know!) this movie does it for me. Julia & Richard are so funny together & those of us chicks with a “slight” fear of commitment phobia, can totally relate.

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8.) Crazy, Stupid, Love Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone…funny, funny! Slightly raunchy, which is cool too. I’m a fan!

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7.)GroundHog Day Its Bill Murray over…and over…and over…again (Bill F****g Murray) and it NEVER gets old.

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6.)Return to Me this movie makes me cry…but it is totally cute & funny. A chick finds out that her transplanted heart came from her boyfriends dead wife. What??? Netflix it! I’m telling ya, girls! It’s good.

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5.)Win a Date with Tad HamiltonDo NOT hate me for loving this movie. Okay, I won’t lie I was an obsessed 26yr old (I think) girlie-geek over this movie when it first came out. My nerd self saw it 2x’s in the theatre, maybe Josh Duhmel being shirtless had something to do with it??? Hmmmm….

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4.)Made of Honor a male best friend turned love interest…#classic. Patrick Dempsey is McDreamy in everything!

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3.)Letters to Juliet Italy…oh’ Italy. You can stage a ravenous murder slayer movie in Italy & it’ll somehow still look romantic. Good thing LTJ is your typical Italy based love-story-within-a-love-story that spans generations…cute!

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2.)You’ve Got Mail everyone knows this one! Tom & Meg…Shop Around The Corner…F.O.X. Makes me smile!

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1.)50 First Dates so many of my favorites in this one. Aside that it’s my favorite Adam S. movie, Drew’s my favorite actress & this happens to be my favorite movie of all-time…it’s just darn cute, hilarious & it has uber-adorable animals. Winner!

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So there ya have it, folks! Make a weekend out of snuggling with your better half; mine happens to be wine & a Dairy Queen ice cream cake, and catch up on some love movies (not the porn related kind).

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