Tag Archives: family

“Lord, let me be okay.”

“Lord, let me be okay…”

This is my 5 word prayer as I lay in bed tonight. 

We buried my dad today. He passed away from a cancer battle 7 months ago; the headstone was completed & placed earlier this week and this afternoon a small group of close family & friends buried the ashes of my father.  

 It was hard. It was sad. It feels…final. 

And that makes me weep at midnight. 

I have been drowning in bitterness & anger for so long. It’s not always present, but it is always underlying. If situations are too “happy” I’ve avoided them. I know that I’ve disconnected myself from much & connected myself to too much; not enough outdoors time-too much drinking, not enough eating healthy-too much gorging…not enough caring-too much not giving a shit. I can look back on several months & see situations that could’ve been avoided so easily. Telling myself,”I’m grieving” doesn’t give me an excuse for behavior that God doesn’t intend for me. 

I’m tired. I’m tired of not having my joy. I’m scared. I’m scared of being stuck in bitterness & anger. 

I haven’t cracked open a Bible in months. I haven’t prayed…a deep painful, soul-needing prayer, in months. Both happened tonight…and all I could offer up was,”Lord, let me be okay”

–let me be okay with only old memories of my dad.

–let me be okay if I never settle down with my own family

–let me be okay if I have to work a hundred jobs to make ends meet

–let me be okay that I can’t change past decisions

–let me be okay that my weight is a constant battle

–let me be okay that I’ve walked away from YOU out of anger 

As a daughter, a girl always wants her dad to tell her,”it’ll be okay” when she’s hurting. That treasure may not always be there to physically hear. I’m trusting that I’ll still hear those words in my mind.  

 Sometimes being okay is the start of being totally & completely bombdiggity.   
How fitting that this was my Bible verse tonight…

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Grief: A daughter’s perspective, a mowed yard & her hero Dad

  
It’s Monday, May 2nd at 1am & I’m wide awake in bed, listening to the thunderstorm outside my window, tears streaming down my cheeks thinking about memories of my dad.  

Tomorrow, May 3rd, marks the 1-month anniversary of my Dad’s death. After a 3yr. battle with cancer that exhausted his body. A lot of people told me what a fickle bitch grief is. How you can go for weeks, months & think you’re doing just fine…but then *poof* a song comes on the radio, a memory creeps in & your heart is hurting all over again. It seems unfair that the world doesn’t stop for your tears. 

What people don’t tell you is that grief is something you go through alone. 

People can relate, I know I’m not the first person to lose a father. But nobody has the same memories as I do with my Dad. Just like I don’t have the same memories that my brother’s have with our Dad. We each are grieving for different thing’s lost. And that’s what makes grief so tough…you go through it alone.

It changes your perspective. 

I now live in a world that my hero is no longer a part of. I now have to make decisions without my Dad’s advice. A large chapter of my life is finished & new chapters will be written without him…and that sucks. Your safe place feels shattered. I feel angrier at God than I’ve ever been & more lost than I’ve ever felt. I don’t remember the final words my Dad ever said to me & have been praying for that memory to be restored…it hasn’t come & that slices through me. 

I know, in time, grief will be replaced by laughter. And I know it won’t happen after a month. I’m grateful for the distractions that have kept me busy; new job, warmer weather to be outdoors, new friendships, travel opportunities & a dog that keeps me going forward. And I’m so grateful for my family. This experience has brought us closer together & I know my Dad is proud. 

I had a dream the other night about my dad & it brought me a lot of comfort. He was mowing the yard for an elderly man who was unable to do it himself. In my dream I knew that my dad had passed, but I watched him mow this man’s lawn without interrupting. I’ve been thinking a lot about this dream & trying to analyze it. And the conclusion I’ve come too…is that it was just a dream. And that’s okay. It was a simple reminder from a Dad to his daughter that even heaven needs people to cut grass. 

In the middle of my grief, my Dad is still my hero. And he was a hero to that elderly man who needed someone to mow his lawn. 
  

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“Lord, I don’t trust you…”; retirements, cancer & Psalm 27:14

Last weekend our family celebrated my Dad’s work retirement. zippo Words cannot explain how prideful I felt celebrating that accomplishment with people that came out to honor my dad’s years of hard work. He has always been a great example of many things to us kids, but to show us first-hand what it means to work hard & provide for others is a lesson that I’ve only grown to appreciate as I’ve got older.

I’ve touched briefly on my dad’s cancer in previous blogs. Close friends & family know of his progress & I’m blessed to have so many that pray for us & keep positive vibes afloat as we journey through this tough stage as a family. That made the retirement party even more special as none of us know what the future holds for him, or for that matter, any of us.

Several months ago I decided to do an in-depth self-study on the book of Psalm; containing 150 chapters & (around) 2500 verses, I knew this was going to be quite the undertaking. I gave myself through the summer to complete, but that has now been extended through the winter since the supplemental reading & note-taking is just as time consuming. Not that I’m complaining, mind you, because I secretly am a know-it-all (okay, maybe not so secretly) & “learning” means a new batch of knowledge wrinkles in my brain.

While I pretty much picked Psalms because so many verses contained are dear to my heart, what I’m finding to be the overlaying theme is “trust”….trust.

Trust…

Wow! If ever a time in my life I needed to lean on trust it’s now.

There are moments when I think I’m doing okay about my Dad’s diagnosis & then there are moments when I’m out on a hiking trail & I’m so overcome with emotion thinking about it that I literally sit down in the middle of the woods & bawl my eyes out. It’s in those moments that my faith is the weakest & most tested. Gratitude for a God who has sent me a one-eyed dog that understands my breakdown & will sit down next to me with his head on my lap until the tears start to dry up.

Twice within the last several weeks I’ve had two different people, on two different occasions mention the word “dying” when asking about my dad. Needless to say my response wasn’t the classiest (“He’s fine. And mind your own *blankety-blank-blank -business*”…okay, maybe my response wasn’t that bad, but that’s what I was saying in my head). “Dying”, what a harsh ugly word. And not a word I want spoken in the same sentence as my Dad’s name. But as he just finished yet another several months round of chemo treatments & has begun the next series of testing to see if the cancer has spread or tumors enlarged, these “dying” comments keep popping back into my head & the possible reality hits me full on.

Trust…

Before I begin my nightly (okay…”nightly” is a stretch) Bible-Study I do prayer devotionals, my hope is that I will find answers to whatever is on my mind at that moment. Sometimes it works out that way…sometimes it doesn’t. On this particular night, it was answered. With my dad’s bible versehealth on my mind I opened up my section of Psalms to read & was surprised to find, not only this verse, but also to discover that 3yrs. ago on that exact date, I had also been led to that same verse. During that time our family was grieving over the unexpected loss of a beloved uncle only a few short weeks prior & in the midst of making serious decisions over my Grandma’s own struggle with cancer.

“Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!”-Psalm 27:14-

Both of those situations ended painfully & the loss of hope I felt deflated me like a balloon.

When you feel you’re at the end of your rope, sometimes all you can do is hold on. The theme of Psalms kept repeating in my head,”trust…trust…trust”. For the first time in my life, I actually admitted out loud to God that I didn’t trust him.

“Lord, I don’t trust you. Help me believe that your ways are best.”

When you’re in a strong “relationship” with someone you can freely admit, with raw honesty, that you’re confused, hurt, angered…distrustful. And you know in your heart that it doesn’t change the dynamic of the relationship, you’re still loved & not abandoned. That was what I felt by the admission & a flood of relief overcame me.

I’m reminded of the unbelieving father in the book of Mark. He had watched his son struggle with inner-demons his whole life & the reality looked grim. As a final resort, he brought him before Jesus to be healed.

“If you can?” said Jesus. ”Everything is possible for one who believes.” The child’s father cried out at once,” I believe! Help my lack of faith”

– Mark 9:23-24-

It’s okay to have unbelief. It’s okay to be distrustful. You can be a follower of Christ & still be uncertain that your prayers will come true, but in those moments it’s important to pray that your unbelief be healed. Just be honest, He already knows what you’re feeling anyways, why not just admit it??? Allow God to open the door of unbelief so that what’s behind it can be reached.

“Sometimes you just have to smile in faith…”-Joel Osteen-

smile

 

 

 

 

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Ready for a slow down…reflections from Psalm 90.

I’m learning to thin my plate. Trust me, this irony is not lost on me as I’ve been changing to a healthier eating lifestyle over the last 2yrs., but in eating & in my personal life…my plate is getting thinner.

I’ve always said that when I have too much time on my hands I tend to make foolish, destructive decisions. That fear has caused me to go 900miles a minute and since I’ve never been really good at relaxing I have a bad habit of taking on too much. A habit I’m trying to break.

During this past summer I could feel myself getting burned out. Between working 3 jobs (sometimes 4), worrying about family health problems, staying active in my church & community, plus the pressure (self-inflicted) that I put on myself to spend so many hours reading, working in the garden & house, writing, hiking, blah blah; my candle was burning up quickly & activities that used to bring me joy began to feel more like a chore. I started to have horrible stomach pains & my suspicions were proven true when, for the second time in less than 10yrs., I was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer. The threat of a possible surgery caused me to examine my lifestyle & how I can de-compress, de-stress, & handle my behavior in a less-destructive way.


I took a 30-day hiatus from all social media, quit one of my jobs, cut back on a busy social calendar, took a vacation (days of drinking, nature & laughs) and got back into reading the Bible regularly. At moments I’ve loved having a thinner plate; I’m reading & writing more, I’ve finished “one day” projects around the house, & I’ve met up with friends for lunch instead of saying, “we should totally get together” via text. At other moments I’ve hated it; extra time = my mind over-thinking & worrying about things that don’t matter, having to re-budget after a loss of income, & guilt over sitting down to watch a movie (I know some of ya’ll can relate). It’s been a roller-coaster of highs & lows.


I’m studying the book of Psalms this year. Even though I’ve read countless verses here & there, I’ve never studied it as a whole. Very fitting that Psalm 90 happens to be the chapter I’ve been studying during this season of my life (isn’t it amazing how God does that?). Psalm 90 is written by Moses; a man chosen by God to lead His people out of slavery & the wilderness to the promised land of milk & honey. After freedom from Egyptian slavery, the Israelites spent the next 40yrs. wandering the desert wondering when the promise of their “promised land” was to happen. Boy, can I relate to that! Psalm 90 is Moses’ prayer for strength, that the anxiety he feels during the “waiting” will be a character builder. That the Lord will teach him to “slow down” & value his days, trusting that the Lord keeps His promises & is re-focusing him to be better equipped for the day that promise comes to pass.

Something that I struggle with, and I have throughout my whole walk with Christ, is I don’t feel like I “hear” from God. Like my prayers fall on deaf ears. I’ve got many journal entries asking God why He’s ignoring me, however, many scriptures throughout the Bible refer to God speaking in a “still small voice”. If you know me personally, then you know that the concept of a “still small voice” is foreign considering I’ve never been quiet about anything! In the past, when God has needed to get my attention, he does it brick-wall style, by something so dramatic that I have no choice but to pay attention. I feel this slow-down phase He’s bringing into my life is so I can become better attuned to his direction & voice (and I just now realized that this very moment while typing out this paragraph).

At some point maybe I will learn that I can cause myself so much less-stress if I just trust in the Lord in the first place.

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Some God in my Gardening

The older I get, the more settled & *cough…ahem…cough* domestic I seem to become. My nightly Google searches have switched from, “what bars are closest to this bar I’m currently at” to, “easy sewing patterns…how to make a pallet dog bed…how to decorate outdoor patio using concrete, rubber bands, & beer tabs.” Okay, maybe the last one is a bit of a stretch, but you get the idea.

I’ve taken up gardening…

By “taken up gardening” I really mean, “I’ve developed an obsession for gardening…”

Thanks to Pinterest, a father who has always had a vegetable garden & a plethora of Twitter-communities where gardening is cool again, my obsession has been even more fueled. This is the first year that I’ve had a real decently thriving garden in my yard. I moved to my house about 3yrs ago; a big metropolis village of 300 people. Not that I lived in a real big city before, but a city of 100,000 compared to a village of 300 is a big difference. Trust me, I’m not complaining. AT ALL! I’m a country girl with country roots & cities are not my thing. Now I live smack-dab in the middle of the woods, with a long driveway & land for my dog to run around un-fenced. That also means I have land to plant an outdoor herb & vegetable garden.

While I’ve always had a love for gardening, it was pretty limited when I lived downtown in the city. I had no yard & my “garden” consisted of tomato plants growing in flower pots on my deck. One year my tomato’s seemed to come up missing, while I thought it was a stray raccoon or cat stealing them (cats eat tomato’s???) I later caught my neighbor plucking them off my plants…it did not end well. Another year I bought a “Topsy Turvy” plant from a

my $400 upside down tomato plant

my $400 upside down tomato plant

commercial on TV. This product was made for tight-space living; was hung upside down from a hook & tomato’s grew downward. I thought “perfect” & couldn’t wait to expand my deck garden. Well, the commercial didn’t lie! This plant took off! It grew so well & contained so many tomato’s (definitely factory-produced seeds that grew low-quality, abundant tomato’s) that one day I came home from work to find that my upside down tomato plant had grown into the gutters & the weight had ripped them down & half of my neighbors gutters. A $19.95 product ended up costing over $400 to fix. Nice!

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Green onions & romaine lettuce started from seeds.

So fast-forward a few years & my 3rd season of planting at my house & the soil finally seems dense enough to support a healthy, full garden.
I started my plants from seeds back in March. March, 7th to be exact. As told by the dates I had sharpied on the egg-carton starters. My sunroom had turned into rows of seeds that rooted & bloomed into tomatoes, onions, lettuce, eggplants, dill, chives, parsley & lots more! I had containers on my fireplace mantel, Hearst & brickwork, on my fish tank, on the floor, behind the couch…you name it & it had a vegetable or herb. Ohio also had a late spring, so I didn’t get outside to plant until the beginning of June. By that time I had lost some of my vegetables & they had to be replaced with plants purchased from greenhouses. Quite the ordeal of tilling the garden, pulling weeds, planting, mulching, weeding again, watering, weeding again….and again…and again…but they’re a’growin!!!

This may seem like a huge, detailed backstory to someone who has little to no interest in gardening. But those that enjoy it will understand when I say what therapy my little garden has been. The last few years have been very hard & stressful in my personal life. While I have found ways to relieve that stress (I’m a big outdoorsy-girl), there’s a different kind of therapy that comes from working the land & watching something grow. There’s something different about getting your hands dirty, sweating, tending, & then reaping the benefits of something you’ve put your time into.

I listen to music a lot, I rarely watch TV but I always have music on. When I’m out hiking-headphones on, when I’m cleaning the house-music playing in background, when I’m running (okay, let’s be real. When I’m out one-step-up-from-walking)-headphones on. However, when I’m working in the garden…no music. I’m on my hands & knees, digging in the dirt, my dog at my feet, & I’m thinking…figuring stuff out, praying, having conversations in my head. I’m going through an especially hard time right now, making some big decisions & stressing out over what is the right path; in addition to stresses that life already has me boggled down with. Yesterday while in the middle of planting squash, the story of the Israelites popped into my head. God delivered the Israelites out of slavery from the hands of Egypt, however, he didn’t take them to the Promised Land right away. They wandered around in the wilderness for 40yrs; they couldn’t see past their own stubbornness, unforgiveness, frustrations, situations & attitudes. They never even realized how close they were to their promised land until they gave up even more control. This is me, I’m currently in the wilderness. Even though I’m delivered from the bondage I was in, I’m still “wandering” around in the desert until my promised land. Have I done anything wrong?? No. In fact, I’ve done everything right (mostly). I’ve obeyed. I’ve listened. But the reward hasn’t come yet. Is it frustrating? You bet’cha! Especially for someone like me who lives by day planners & loves schedules. Do I feel forgotten? Ignored? Un-worthy? Yes, Yes, Yes. But just like my garden, the harvest will come. The reward will come because I’ve been working the land, planting seeds, watering, & weeding. Is there an area of my life that God is trying to get me to focus on before the harvest can come??? I believe there is. I can only pray that He will reveal that to me so I can move on.

“And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.”-Galatians 6:9-

Being in the wilderness stinks, big time. But it will make the harvest that much sweeter. And all these thoughts came because I decided to plant some tomatoes.

My first tomato has arrived! Will turn into a Indigo Blood Rose tomato, black & a sweet salad tomato! Can't wait!

My first tomato has arrived! Will turn into a Indigo Blood Rose tomato, black & a sweet salad tomato! Can’t wait!

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Right Now: my reflections, obsessions & thankful’s in this moment.

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1) I’m currently reading, watching & listening to…
-Black Beauty by Anna Sewell. I’ve read this novel dozens of times, but I’ve never read it from my 1895 early addition copy. There’s something amazing about holding a copy of a 100+year old book & thinking about all those that have read & held this novel before me.

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-The Butler. It usually takes me days to watch a movie, can’t sit still long enough to watch a full movie. This one I was captivated by & watched all 2+hrs from start to finish. And I watched it the next night as well. Based on a true story of Cecil Gaines, a White House Butler for over 30 years & spans through many Presidencies.

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-I Will Run to You by Hillsong. Sang this song for the first time in church a few weeks ago & I’ve been in love with the lyrics ever since! http://youtu.be/RZGqKqciv8E

2) I’m worried about…money! Isn’t everyone always worried about that???

3) I’m improving myself by…Sewing! My Grandma gave me her sewing machine & I’ve become obsessed. My first attempt was a success (just don’t look to close at the stitching job!). Bandana chair covers for my kitchen table.

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4) I’m excited about…my first solo sermon is this Sunday night. I’ve changed it 4x’s & was supposed to preach last week, but due to the weather class was cancelled. I was very glad because it gave me a chance to completely re-do it again & I loooooove the new approach. And my parents will be there to hear me, woot!

5) I’m grateful to God for…so much this month! Above all for friends & family that helped me through some car problems when I didn’t know what I was going to do!
I’m asking God for forgiveness because…I threw a temper tantrum & doubted He would come through! Which He did!

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2013: Cancer & Closure…

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As 2013 draws to a close I’ve been thinking about what this year has brought; the ups & downs, regrets & opportunities. A lot has changed this year & a lot has remained the same. Around this time last year our family found out that my Dad had cancer & the year started off with a series of multiple surgeries followed by chemo & radiation treatments. What we’ve been praying for was a healing in 2014, but about 6wks. ago we learned my Dad’s cancer has spread & with that news we face another year that, health wise anyways, could be more of the same.

From the outside you would guess that the year was marked by my Dad’s cancer struggle, but 2013 brought a closure to me that I was not expecting. For several years now I’ve been healing from guilt about deceit I was involved with a few years ago. Even though I thought I had moved on from it, in a quiet way The Lord brought this guilt back to the surface & really made me deal with it. What I had placed in an envelope sealed with,”to deal with later” The Lord showed me that “later” was 2013. After an 11wk. intense Bible Study on Beth Moore’s Breaking Free that culminated in me delivering my testimony at our church’s Woman’s Retreat; where I confessed the deceit, lying & manipulation I was involved in & I finally knew that chapter of my life was closed. Not to be forgotten, but to remind myself that I’m not that person anymore & I was created to be better than the person I used to be who chose that route.

My relationship with God has changed in ways I’m not sure I even understand yet. I’ve been angrier at Him more this year than I ever can recall being, yet simultaneously I’ve also relied on Him more than I ever have. The enemy has fought hard for me this year & he won more times than I’d care to admit. He dug into my insecurities, weaknesses & temptations and I willingly allowed those thoughts & actions to steal my joy. I’m not afraid to admit that following The Lord was hard this year. The closer I seemed to draw to God; getting & studying deeper into His Word, changing patterns in my life that line up more with His plan & will than my own, Bible Studies, church leadership roles & enrolling in an in-depth discipleship program, the heavier stresses seemed to come my way. Working through pain is never easy, but I think God makes you deal with painful shit because He knows the amazing work you’re going to do for His kingdom because of where you’ve been & where you stand now. Plenty of times this year I lacked faith & plenty of times The Lord revealed Himself to me in the midst of my doubt. I think The Lord deals with us in stages because we couldn’t handle a clean sweep all at once (as awesome as that would be). If The Lord came in & cleaned house for us, without any work on our part, how long would it take for us to trash it up again??? Not long because we would never appreciate how truly muddied up our lives really were unless we got our own hands dirty cleaning it.

This was the year He laid the opportunity at my feet to start cleaning up that specific mess. And I obeyed even though it was painful. This prayer of closure that I prayed years ago, has been answered. The harvest can now come.

My Dad’s a smoker. He’s seeing the consequences of years of abuse. As a child I used to pray to a God in my Children’s Bible that once delivered 3 teenagers from a fire, Jonah from a whale & Daniel from a lion’s den that He would get my Dad to quit smoking. Fast-forward several years & a Doctor telling my Dad he wouldn’t even do surgery to remove the cancerous tumor unless he quit smoking & my Dad has finally quit. God doesn’t always answer our prayers in the way we want him to. Sometimes He makes us get our hands dirty; by having our lungs grow tired, our body ache from chemotherapy & the possibility of years being taken away for us to realize we don’t ever want to be that person again. We don’t get to choose how or when God answers our prayers, but if having cancer- regardless of the outcome- is how God chooses to work His hands in this situation, I trust that.

I come into 2014 hopeful. Hopeful that this is the harvest season for so many long- prayed-prayers. And I’m so grateful that God hears those prayers even when I think He doesn’t. And the promise that He will reveal His answer when the timing is absolutely perfect.

Blessings to you & yours for the promises to be revealed in 2014!!!

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