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2016: A Reflection

Working on a college campus means that at least once a day I get asked some obscure question. Recently I had two students approach me & ask simply, “What did this year teach you?”. I chuckled it off, told them I’d get back to em’ & sent them on their way.

The thing is…they came back the next day…and then the next.

Eventually, “getting back to em'” was the only way to actually get rid of em’.

So, I found myself really thinking about it & the next time they returned; right before winter term ended, I had my answer–the year taught me to LET GO!

The year was marred by the death of my dad last April. For the rest of my days, that’s what this year will reflect in my eyes–the year I had to let go of my dad. As hard as that was to let go of, there was peace that came knowing that he had also let go–of his pain, of his cancer.

This year I let go of a job that I loved, but which held no further advancement for me. Letting go of that made way for an even greater career opportunity for me.

I also let go of certain relationships in my life; both romantic & friendship. Relationships that were going nowhere & were holding me back negatively. Letting go of the old ones has cleared paths for new people to come into my life in ways I never would have expected. And it has even brought restorations into relationships that I long ago had written off as finished.

I’ve let go of certain dreams, prayers & hopes. Though sad to see some of them go, letting go has left me more grounded & gave me a greater comfort in realizing what it is that I really want out of life. There is sometimes freedom in watching your dreams & desires float away & you can finally rest in the comfort of knowing you gave it the good college try.

This year I’ve cried an ocean of tears, but I have also laughed deeply enough to fill a concert hall. My heart has been broken this year, but has also scarred over & healed from pain I was holding on too. This year found me both angry at God one minute & then on my knees begging for His love & forgiveness the next. I have been weak this year, but also strong. I have taken things for granted, but have also been humbled in true appreciation. I’ve had moments of laziness followed by heavy wear & tear on the hiking boots. I have made many mistakes this year, but have also learned life lessons. I have lost…and I have found.

2016 has taught me, big time, to let go of any preconceived ideas of HOW I think things should work out! So (begrudgingly) I enter 2017 completely clueless. To a type-A planner, like myself, that’s a little terrifying. But I’m left with a sense of peace when looking at a completely clean slate.

Welcome, 2017!!! I have been waiting all year for you!

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2016-a year in pictures!

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“Lord, I don’t trust you…”; retirements, cancer & Psalm 27:14

Last weekend our family celebrated my Dad’s work retirement. zippo Words cannot explain how prideful I felt celebrating that accomplishment with people that came out to honor my dad’s years of hard work. He has always been a great example of many things to us kids, but to show us first-hand what it means to work hard & provide for others is a lesson that I’ve only grown to appreciate as I’ve got older.

I’ve touched briefly on my dad’s cancer in previous blogs. Close friends & family know of his progress & I’m blessed to have so many that pray for us & keep positive vibes afloat as we journey through this tough stage as a family. That made the retirement party even more special as none of us know what the future holds for him, or for that matter, any of us.

Several months ago I decided to do an in-depth self-study on the book of Psalm; containing 150 chapters & (around) 2500 verses, I knew this was going to be quite the undertaking. I gave myself through the summer to complete, but that has now been extended through the winter since the supplemental reading & note-taking is just as time consuming. Not that I’m complaining, mind you, because I secretly am a know-it-all (okay, maybe not so secretly) & “learning” means a new batch of knowledge wrinkles in my brain.

While I pretty much picked Psalms because so many verses contained are dear to my heart, what I’m finding to be the overlaying theme is “trust”….trust.

Trust…

Wow! If ever a time in my life I needed to lean on trust it’s now.

There are moments when I think I’m doing okay about my Dad’s diagnosis & then there are moments when I’m out on a hiking trail & I’m so overcome with emotion thinking about it that I literally sit down in the middle of the woods & bawl my eyes out. It’s in those moments that my faith is the weakest & most tested. Gratitude for a God who has sent me a one-eyed dog that understands my breakdown & will sit down next to me with his head on my lap until the tears start to dry up.

Twice within the last several weeks I’ve had two different people, on two different occasions mention the word “dying” when asking about my dad. Needless to say my response wasn’t the classiest (“He’s fine. And mind your own *blankety-blank-blank -business*”…okay, maybe my response wasn’t that bad, but that’s what I was saying in my head). “Dying”, what a harsh ugly word. And not a word I want spoken in the same sentence as my Dad’s name. But as he just finished yet another several months round of chemo treatments & has begun the next series of testing to see if the cancer has spread or tumors enlarged, these “dying” comments keep popping back into my head & the possible reality hits me full on.

Trust…

Before I begin my nightly (okay…”nightly” is a stretch) Bible-Study I do prayer devotionals, my hope is that I will find answers to whatever is on my mind at that moment. Sometimes it works out that way…sometimes it doesn’t. On this particular night, it was answered. With my dad’s bible versehealth on my mind I opened up my section of Psalms to read & was surprised to find, not only this verse, but also to discover that 3yrs. ago on that exact date, I had also been led to that same verse. During that time our family was grieving over the unexpected loss of a beloved uncle only a few short weeks prior & in the midst of making serious decisions over my Grandma’s own struggle with cancer.

“Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!”-Psalm 27:14-

Both of those situations ended painfully & the loss of hope I felt deflated me like a balloon.

When you feel you’re at the end of your rope, sometimes all you can do is hold on. The theme of Psalms kept repeating in my head,”trust…trust…trust”. For the first time in my life, I actually admitted out loud to God that I didn’t trust him.

“Lord, I don’t trust you. Help me believe that your ways are best.”

When you’re in a strong “relationship” with someone you can freely admit, with raw honesty, that you’re confused, hurt, angered…distrustful. And you know in your heart that it doesn’t change the dynamic of the relationship, you’re still loved & not abandoned. That was what I felt by the admission & a flood of relief overcame me.

I’m reminded of the unbelieving father in the book of Mark. He had watched his son struggle with inner-demons his whole life & the reality looked grim. As a final resort, he brought him before Jesus to be healed.

“If you can?” said Jesus. ”Everything is possible for one who believes.” The child’s father cried out at once,” I believe! Help my lack of faith”

– Mark 9:23-24-

It’s okay to have unbelief. It’s okay to be distrustful. You can be a follower of Christ & still be uncertain that your prayers will come true, but in those moments it’s important to pray that your unbelief be healed. Just be honest, He already knows what you’re feeling anyways, why not just admit it??? Allow God to open the door of unbelief so that what’s behind it can be reached.

“Sometimes you just have to smile in faith…”-Joel Osteen-

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I want feet like a deer, reflections from Pslam 18:33

If you read my blog from a couple weeks ago (and I KNOW all you fine readers have, right? but in case you missed it: Ready for a slow down, reflections from Psalm 90) then you’re already aware that I’ve been doing a self-study in the book of Psalm. A book that I’m falling in love with because it’s so musically written & “flowy” (is “flowy” a word??? Who knows? but I dig it!). While studying chapter 18 this scripture leapt out at me…

“He makes my feet like the feet of deer, and sets me on my high places”

-Psalm 18:33-(NKJV)

**By the way** Don’t cha’ totally love my word play??? leapt/deer…get it??? Smooth!

Anyways, (refocus) If I have read this scripture before, I’ve never noticed it. It’s pretty unassuming, but to an animal-studied-nerd, like myself, wow…this is a good one!

Deer feet. No doubt you don’t have to be in student loan debt to realize that, yeah, deer feet are important to deer. But do you know that, hands down, hooves are the MOST IMPORTANT part of deer anatomy??? untitled

Deer are flight animals, meaning they run from perceived danger, they’re lovers not fighters. Those skinny little toothpick legs carry a few hundred pounds gracefully at 40mph; they can leap about 8 feet high & the hooves are designed in such a way that they take the brunt of all that force. Pretty impressive, huh??

Without getting too technical & for the sake of this blog illustration, let’s break the hoof down into two simple parts; we’ll call it the “outer” & the “bottom” (creative, thank you very much). Most people know that deer are cloven hooved animals, meaning they have two toes, not one single toe-like a horse. God in his infinite wisdom designed them that way knowing the wide variety of terrain they’d be covering. That design allows them to cover everything from swimming in deep water, to scaling a mountain. The hard outer wall of the hoof is made of keratin (the same stuff as your fingernails) this helps them claw, paw, dig & fight; bottom part is a soft, spongy material that helps them grip slippery surfaces. Pretty cool that when you see a herd of deer running & leaping, they really don’t know what’s on the other side of those leaps, but rarely do they slip & fall. Flight animals cannot survive without their legs, the hoof is the first line of defense to protecting the legs & in turn, the entire being.

I’m in awe of the responsibility that hooves have.

“He makes my feet like the feet of deer, and sets me on my high places” -Psalm 18:33-

This chapter in Psalm was written by David wrote after the Lord delivered him from his enemies & Saul (who was out for blood!). David was in a tough spot, he had no idea how he was going to get out of the mess he found himself in. He prayed with a ferocity & the Lord saved him, not in a way he was expecting, for the Lord didn’t rescue him from the mess but equipped him with strength & abilities David didn’t know he had…and he conquered & gave the glory back to God. The NET version goes,”He gives me the agility of a deer; he enables me to negotiate the rugged terrain”. You may not think you’re equipped to negotiate the rugged terrain in your life & it may look impossible, but the Lord has equipped you to be a conqueror.

So next time you feel overwhelmed, look at your feet & see yourself has having the feet of deer!

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Ready for a slow down…reflections from Psalm 90.

I’m learning to thin my plate. Trust me, this irony is not lost on me as I’ve been changing to a healthier eating lifestyle over the last 2yrs., but in eating & in my personal life…my plate is getting thinner.

I’ve always said that when I have too much time on my hands I tend to make foolish, destructive decisions. That fear has caused me to go 900miles a minute and since I’ve never been really good at relaxing I have a bad habit of taking on too much. A habit I’m trying to break.

During this past summer I could feel myself getting burned out. Between working 3 jobs (sometimes 4), worrying about family health problems, staying active in my church & community, plus the pressure (self-inflicted) that I put on myself to spend so many hours reading, working in the garden & house, writing, hiking, blah blah; my candle was burning up quickly & activities that used to bring me joy began to feel more like a chore. I started to have horrible stomach pains & my suspicions were proven true when, for the second time in less than 10yrs., I was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer. The threat of a possible surgery caused me to examine my lifestyle & how I can de-compress, de-stress, & handle my behavior in a less-destructive way.


I took a 30-day hiatus from all social media, quit one of my jobs, cut back on a busy social calendar, took a vacation (days of drinking, nature & laughs) and got back into reading the Bible regularly. At moments I’ve loved having a thinner plate; I’m reading & writing more, I’ve finished “one day” projects around the house, & I’ve met up with friends for lunch instead of saying, “we should totally get together” via text. At other moments I’ve hated it; extra time = my mind over-thinking & worrying about things that don’t matter, having to re-budget after a loss of income, & guilt over sitting down to watch a movie (I know some of ya’ll can relate). It’s been a roller-coaster of highs & lows.


I’m studying the book of Psalms this year. Even though I’ve read countless verses here & there, I’ve never studied it as a whole. Very fitting that Psalm 90 happens to be the chapter I’ve been studying during this season of my life (isn’t it amazing how God does that?). Psalm 90 is written by Moses; a man chosen by God to lead His people out of slavery & the wilderness to the promised land of milk & honey. After freedom from Egyptian slavery, the Israelites spent the next 40yrs. wandering the desert wondering when the promise of their “promised land” was to happen. Boy, can I relate to that! Psalm 90 is Moses’ prayer for strength, that the anxiety he feels during the “waiting” will be a character builder. That the Lord will teach him to “slow down” & value his days, trusting that the Lord keeps His promises & is re-focusing him to be better equipped for the day that promise comes to pass.

Something that I struggle with, and I have throughout my whole walk with Christ, is I don’t feel like I “hear” from God. Like my prayers fall on deaf ears. I’ve got many journal entries asking God why He’s ignoring me, however, many scriptures throughout the Bible refer to God speaking in a “still small voice”. If you know me personally, then you know that the concept of a “still small voice” is foreign considering I’ve never been quiet about anything! In the past, when God has needed to get my attention, he does it brick-wall style, by something so dramatic that I have no choice but to pay attention. I feel this slow-down phase He’s bringing into my life is so I can become better attuned to his direction & voice (and I just now realized that this very moment while typing out this paragraph).

At some point maybe I will learn that I can cause myself so much less-stress if I just trust in the Lord in the first place.

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Some God in my Gardening

The older I get, the more settled & *cough…ahem…cough* domestic I seem to become. My nightly Google searches have switched from, “what bars are closest to this bar I’m currently at” to, “easy sewing patterns…how to make a pallet dog bed…how to decorate outdoor patio using concrete, rubber bands, & beer tabs.” Okay, maybe the last one is a bit of a stretch, but you get the idea.

I’ve taken up gardening…

By “taken up gardening” I really mean, “I’ve developed an obsession for gardening…”

Thanks to Pinterest, a father who has always had a vegetable garden & a plethora of Twitter-communities where gardening is cool again, my obsession has been even more fueled. This is the first year that I’ve had a real decently thriving garden in my yard. I moved to my house about 3yrs ago; a big metropolis village of 300 people. Not that I lived in a real big city before, but a city of 100,000 compared to a village of 300 is a big difference. Trust me, I’m not complaining. AT ALL! I’m a country girl with country roots & cities are not my thing. Now I live smack-dab in the middle of the woods, with a long driveway & land for my dog to run around un-fenced. That also means I have land to plant an outdoor herb & vegetable garden.

While I’ve always had a love for gardening, it was pretty limited when I lived downtown in the city. I had no yard & my “garden” consisted of tomato plants growing in flower pots on my deck. One year my tomato’s seemed to come up missing, while I thought it was a stray raccoon or cat stealing them (cats eat tomato’s???) I later caught my neighbor plucking them off my plants…it did not end well. Another year I bought a “Topsy Turvy” plant from a

my $400 upside down tomato plant

my $400 upside down tomato plant

commercial on TV. This product was made for tight-space living; was hung upside down from a hook & tomato’s grew downward. I thought “perfect” & couldn’t wait to expand my deck garden. Well, the commercial didn’t lie! This plant took off! It grew so well & contained so many tomato’s (definitely factory-produced seeds that grew low-quality, abundant tomato’s) that one day I came home from work to find that my upside down tomato plant had grown into the gutters & the weight had ripped them down & half of my neighbors gutters. A $19.95 product ended up costing over $400 to fix. Nice!

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Green onions & romaine lettuce started from seeds.

So fast-forward a few years & my 3rd season of planting at my house & the soil finally seems dense enough to support a healthy, full garden.
I started my plants from seeds back in March. March, 7th to be exact. As told by the dates I had sharpied on the egg-carton starters. My sunroom had turned into rows of seeds that rooted & bloomed into tomatoes, onions, lettuce, eggplants, dill, chives, parsley & lots more! I had containers on my fireplace mantel, Hearst & brickwork, on my fish tank, on the floor, behind the couch…you name it & it had a vegetable or herb. Ohio also had a late spring, so I didn’t get outside to plant until the beginning of June. By that time I had lost some of my vegetables & they had to be replaced with plants purchased from greenhouses. Quite the ordeal of tilling the garden, pulling weeds, planting, mulching, weeding again, watering, weeding again….and again…and again…but they’re a’growin!!!

This may seem like a huge, detailed backstory to someone who has little to no interest in gardening. But those that enjoy it will understand when I say what therapy my little garden has been. The last few years have been very hard & stressful in my personal life. While I have found ways to relieve that stress (I’m a big outdoorsy-girl), there’s a different kind of therapy that comes from working the land & watching something grow. There’s something different about getting your hands dirty, sweating, tending, & then reaping the benefits of something you’ve put your time into.

I listen to music a lot, I rarely watch TV but I always have music on. When I’m out hiking-headphones on, when I’m cleaning the house-music playing in background, when I’m running (okay, let’s be real. When I’m out one-step-up-from-walking)-headphones on. However, when I’m working in the garden…no music. I’m on my hands & knees, digging in the dirt, my dog at my feet, & I’m thinking…figuring stuff out, praying, having conversations in my head. I’m going through an especially hard time right now, making some big decisions & stressing out over what is the right path; in addition to stresses that life already has me boggled down with. Yesterday while in the middle of planting squash, the story of the Israelites popped into my head. God delivered the Israelites out of slavery from the hands of Egypt, however, he didn’t take them to the Promised Land right away. They wandered around in the wilderness for 40yrs; they couldn’t see past their own stubbornness, unforgiveness, frustrations, situations & attitudes. They never even realized how close they were to their promised land until they gave up even more control. This is me, I’m currently in the wilderness. Even though I’m delivered from the bondage I was in, I’m still “wandering” around in the desert until my promised land. Have I done anything wrong?? No. In fact, I’ve done everything right (mostly). I’ve obeyed. I’ve listened. But the reward hasn’t come yet. Is it frustrating? You bet’cha! Especially for someone like me who lives by day planners & loves schedules. Do I feel forgotten? Ignored? Un-worthy? Yes, Yes, Yes. But just like my garden, the harvest will come. The reward will come because I’ve been working the land, planting seeds, watering, & weeding. Is there an area of my life that God is trying to get me to focus on before the harvest can come??? I believe there is. I can only pray that He will reveal that to me so I can move on.

“And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.”-Galatians 6:9-

Being in the wilderness stinks, big time. But it will make the harvest that much sweeter. And all these thoughts came because I decided to plant some tomatoes.

My first tomato has arrived! Will turn into a Indigo Blood Rose tomato, black & a sweet salad tomato! Can't wait!

My first tomato has arrived! Will turn into a Indigo Blood Rose tomato, black & a sweet salad tomato! Can’t wait!

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God doesn’t need us to defend Him, only to represent Him.

I’m going to try to present my thoughts clear in this blog, not jumbled like they’ve been in my head the last few days.
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Recently I read a post on Facebook (isn’t Facebook always a tool that can get us fired up?) where I had to force myself not to get drawn into a heated discussion on God & how He chooses to distribute His blessings. Everyone is certainly entitled to their own opinions on everything & anything, however, one does need to decide if a battle is worth pursuing. For me, this battle was not. What bothered me, even more than the initial post that was made, was a response that another person, a fellow Christian, had. As a Christian, you have a responsibility to represent God well & that does not include belittling someone for their lack of faith or knowledge of His ways & Word. It’s that belittling of non-Christians that make so many people say Christians are “hypocritical”. And in my personal experience, the majority of people who have issues with faith & God are more knowledgeable about the Bible on a scholarly level than those that grew up in church. Accepting Christ as your Savior doesn’t automatically give you permission to start shouting Fire & Brimstone at every person you meet just for the sake of starting an argument to make others feel inferior. Trust me, that’s not how God wants you to represent Him or His kingdom.

Anyone can quote scripture. Take a look around at all the people who have never even set foot inside a church but suddenly turn to the Bible to find a new tattoo idea. It’s the understanding of a Bible scripture that you should strive towards & that will be a lifelong journey because a Bible verse can change its meaning for you depending on what situation you need it in. Are there contradictions in the Bible, yes…absolutely. But learn the history of that time, learn that most contradictions are Old Testament/New Testament & before you start debating the contradictions or shutting people down learn the “why’s”. If you’re a Christian, study it. If you’re not, study it. What you’ll find is that everything is intertwined & truly does line up. Knowing one scripture doesn’t mean jack, but knowing the “meaning” behind it does. Spend time in church, talk to Pastors, join Bible Studies, and get in the Word. Before you take a stand for or against faith, learn from people who know a lot more about it than you do. If you take that mentality, you will find that you do a lot more listening than spouting off of the mouth.

God doesn’t need us to defend Him, only to represent Him.

God is the ultimate UFC fighter & can defend himself a lot better than we’ll ever be able too! You do not defend Him by making yourself seem superior. There’s a lot of debate on, ”The Bible says this…the Bible says that…” and I’m guilty of this, as well. But you can’t hide behind the Bible when it suits your agenda & then ignore the parts that you yourself don’t want to change. It doesn’t work like that. And I’m forewarning you that this will always be a struggle. To say you’re against homosexuality because, “the Bible says its wrong” but overlook the parts on pre-marital sex, jealousy, or having an adulterous affair because it cuts out on the fun you’re having well frankly that doesn’t make sense to me. To say having an abortion is wrong because, “the Bible says it’s wrong”, but then lie to your boss the next day that you’re “sick” when really you want to stay home & veg out on the couch…that’s equally as wrong. Sorry, but you don’t get to pick & choose. It’s easy to point fingers at someone & condemn their actions when you’re not directly involved. Do you realize that sin is sin in the eyes of God. When you stand on your Judgment Day you will be held to the same standard that Hitler was for that teensy-weensy little lie that you told when you decided to break a date.

How about that perspective? How about feeling superior now?

It’s not meant to scare you. It’s not meant to make you feel bad about decisions you’ve made, but it is to make you realize that you’re no better (or worse) than anybody else. When you represent God that means you LOVE others whether or not you agree with their decisions, actions, or choices. You don’t treat people cruelly because they think differently than you do. You don’t lower yourself to name-calling tactics. We don’t always have to agree on everything, but we do always have to respect each other’s opinions. And we don’t shut people out or close off their comments just because it goes against what we believe to be right (or wrong). Do you think for a second that God agrees with everything that we choose to do? How many messes have you found yourself in because you went against what you knew God wanted you to do? Does God love us or forgive us any less because we expressed our own free-will?

Thank goodness that He doesn’t!

There isn’t one person on this planet who is absolutely without sin or perfect (despite what you may think). In the history of time there was only one person who WAS absolutely perfect & without sin, you know who that is & you also know what He went through because of it. The Bible, the same one that you believe to be the living Word of God, is filled with people that messed up big time. But God still used them for his greater good, so how can you count or dismiss somebody’s thoughts because their different than your own. You may be the only example of God in somebody’s life, so represent Him well.

Whether or not God exists, whether His Word is the living love-letter from Him to us is always going to be a topic of debate. I know what I believe just the same as you know what you believe. Each one of us can get frustrated because the other person doesn’t “see” what we “see”, but I will leave you with this: one day each of us will die. It could be in 60years or it could be before you even finish reading this blog. I would rather live my life every day, believing in God & following his Word as closely as I can only to find out that He never existed. I know I still lived a good, clean life. Not perfect, not without blemish but by having that faith kept me from a damaged conscious because I believed in forgiveness for mistakes & took steps to correct sinful behavior. I’d much rather follow that belief than to live my whole life thinking that God doesn’t exist only to find out that He does & I had been wrong. God fights for you up until your very last breath & just because you’re a “good person” doesn’t mean you get a free pass into heaven, any more than then being a “Christian” does. I don’t like it any more than you do. I know plenty of people I’d consider to be a “good person”, but I don’t get to decide that.

If you’re a Christian, represent Him well. You’re not perfect, so don’t put the pressure on yourself that you have to be. We all lose our cool. We all sin. We all say & do things that we regret. It’s the behavior that you choose after the regret that will leave others will the biggest impression of Christ.

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2013: Cancer & Closure…

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As 2013 draws to a close I’ve been thinking about what this year has brought; the ups & downs, regrets & opportunities. A lot has changed this year & a lot has remained the same. Around this time last year our family found out that my Dad had cancer & the year started off with a series of multiple surgeries followed by chemo & radiation treatments. What we’ve been praying for was a healing in 2014, but about 6wks. ago we learned my Dad’s cancer has spread & with that news we face another year that, health wise anyways, could be more of the same.

From the outside you would guess that the year was marked by my Dad’s cancer struggle, but 2013 brought a closure to me that I was not expecting. For several years now I’ve been healing from guilt about deceit I was involved with a few years ago. Even though I thought I had moved on from it, in a quiet way The Lord brought this guilt back to the surface & really made me deal with it. What I had placed in an envelope sealed with,”to deal with later” The Lord showed me that “later” was 2013. After an 11wk. intense Bible Study on Beth Moore’s Breaking Free that culminated in me delivering my testimony at our church’s Woman’s Retreat; where I confessed the deceit, lying & manipulation I was involved in & I finally knew that chapter of my life was closed. Not to be forgotten, but to remind myself that I’m not that person anymore & I was created to be better than the person I used to be who chose that route.

My relationship with God has changed in ways I’m not sure I even understand yet. I’ve been angrier at Him more this year than I ever can recall being, yet simultaneously I’ve also relied on Him more than I ever have. The enemy has fought hard for me this year & he won more times than I’d care to admit. He dug into my insecurities, weaknesses & temptations and I willingly allowed those thoughts & actions to steal my joy. I’m not afraid to admit that following The Lord was hard this year. The closer I seemed to draw to God; getting & studying deeper into His Word, changing patterns in my life that line up more with His plan & will than my own, Bible Studies, church leadership roles & enrolling in an in-depth discipleship program, the heavier stresses seemed to come my way. Working through pain is never easy, but I think God makes you deal with painful shit because He knows the amazing work you’re going to do for His kingdom because of where you’ve been & where you stand now. Plenty of times this year I lacked faith & plenty of times The Lord revealed Himself to me in the midst of my doubt. I think The Lord deals with us in stages because we couldn’t handle a clean sweep all at once (as awesome as that would be). If The Lord came in & cleaned house for us, without any work on our part, how long would it take for us to trash it up again??? Not long because we would never appreciate how truly muddied up our lives really were unless we got our own hands dirty cleaning it.

This was the year He laid the opportunity at my feet to start cleaning up that specific mess. And I obeyed even though it was painful. This prayer of closure that I prayed years ago, has been answered. The harvest can now come.

My Dad’s a smoker. He’s seeing the consequences of years of abuse. As a child I used to pray to a God in my Children’s Bible that once delivered 3 teenagers from a fire, Jonah from a whale & Daniel from a lion’s den that He would get my Dad to quit smoking. Fast-forward several years & a Doctor telling my Dad he wouldn’t even do surgery to remove the cancerous tumor unless he quit smoking & my Dad has finally quit. God doesn’t always answer our prayers in the way we want him to. Sometimes He makes us get our hands dirty; by having our lungs grow tired, our body ache from chemotherapy & the possibility of years being taken away for us to realize we don’t ever want to be that person again. We don’t get to choose how or when God answers our prayers, but if having cancer- regardless of the outcome- is how God chooses to work His hands in this situation, I trust that.

I come into 2014 hopeful. Hopeful that this is the harvest season for so many long- prayed-prayers. And I’m so grateful that God hears those prayers even when I think He doesn’t. And the promise that He will reveal His answer when the timing is absolutely perfect.

Blessings to you & yours for the promises to be revealed in 2014!!!

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