“Lord, let me be okay.”

“Lord, let me be okay…”

This is my 5 word prayer as I lay in bed tonight. 

We buried my dad today. He passed away from a cancer battle 7 months ago; the headstone was completed & placed earlier this week and this afternoon a small group of close family & friends buried the ashes of my father.  

 It was hard. It was sad. It feels…final. 

And that makes me weep at midnight. 

I have been drowning in bitterness & anger for so long. It’s not always present, but it is always underlying. If situations are too “happy” I’ve avoided them. I know that I’ve disconnected myself from much & connected myself to too much; not enough outdoors time-too much drinking, not enough eating healthy-too much gorging…not enough caring-too much not giving a shit. I can look back on several months & see situations that could’ve been avoided so easily. Telling myself,”I’m grieving” doesn’t give me an excuse for behavior that God doesn’t intend for me. 

I’m tired. I’m tired of not having my joy. I’m scared. I’m scared of being stuck in bitterness & anger. 

I haven’t cracked open a Bible in months. I haven’t prayed…a deep painful, soul-needing prayer, in months. Both happened tonight…and all I could offer up was,”Lord, let me be okay”

–let me be okay with only old memories of my dad.

–let me be okay if I never settle down with my own family

–let me be okay if I have to work a hundred jobs to make ends meet

–let me be okay that I can’t change past decisions

–let me be okay that my weight is a constant battle

–let me be okay that I’ve walked away from YOU out of anger 

As a daughter, a girl always wants her dad to tell her,”it’ll be okay” when she’s hurting. That treasure may not always be there to physically hear. I’m trusting that I’ll still hear those words in my mind.  

 Sometimes being okay is the start of being totally & completely bombdiggity.   
How fitting that this was my Bible verse tonight…

God & Country

On this Memorial Day weekend I decided to re-blog one of the first blogs I ever wrote.
I can’t think of a better tribute to those who have bravely served then re-telling the story about my friend, John; a man who carries Memorial Day in his heart everyday.

Thank you, dear Veterans, for rising above & standing up for those who couldn’t. Know that God places your sacrifices as the ultimate form of love,”Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.”-John 15:13-

Chapstick Chatter

On July 4th, 2011 the Elyria Chronicle newspaper ran an article about a man named John Hall. A pretty common name all in itself, but to the people who know him a very uncommon gentleman.

Every morning-after he’s done feeding his dog, taking care of his birds, laying out food for all the wildlife that inhabit his back yard, John dresses in his Marine Corps dress blues, walks out to the flagpole in his front yard & raises the American flag. After he raises the flag, he salutes, turns sharply towards his house & marches back inside. Every evening he does the same routine to take the flag down, where he then folds it in exact military technique, stores it with precision, only to repeat the process all over again the next morning. He does this every day.

Today, July 23rd, 2011 the Elyria Amvets post honored John with an “honorary…

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